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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sleep Deprivation

I am sleep-deprived. This may come out funny.

My MRI and EEG are this morning. The MRI is routine by now, but I have never had an EEG before. I am supposed to make one of my brain shocks happen during the EEG, but the brain shocks are random. Try fasting for two days and then hope for an accidental burp. Most likely it won't happen.

Maybe this is what an adult actor feels like going into a first audition. "Sorry," he says. "This doesn't usually happen." "It's okay, it happens to everyone from time to time," someone says off-camera. "I just feel too much pressure," he says again.

I am sleep deprived. Have I said that?

A call came in yesterday from the EEG people. "ONE: no caffeine or chocolate twelve hours prior. TWO: be sleep-deprived, and THREE: don't have a lot of products in your hair." I have the third one covered no problem. I can't remember the first two because I am sleep-deprived, but I see the kitchen cabinets are covered in sticky notes ("No!" in my own handwriting) and the coffee machine is wrapped in duct tape.

My Epilepsy friend gave me simpler advice: "Just drink more than usual the night before the EEG." This presented a challenge. Nigel Tufnel, the guitarist for the band Spinal Tap tries to solve the same dilemma when pondering the cover of the group's new "Black Album." He asks, "It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."

I jest of course. I am sleep-deprived. Have I mentioned that?

Last night during my two hours of sleep I had a dream. I was driving through the desert with a kitten in my lap. The kitten was lost and I had to find the owner somewhere in the desert. Police cars wailed and I stopped my car. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Benicio del Toro approaching. He had really nice-fitting jeans.

I rolled down the window and he spoke slowly: "Nooooooo. You may not be driving ('dry-wing') con eso gato de Tijuanaaaaa . . ."

I was intimidated. Benicio del Toro exudes a manliness I cannot match even when I shower.

Finally a friend showed up and told me, "No, Ale! Have paw prints taken! All cats have their paw prints recorded when they are born. Match the prints to the owner and you can deliver the kitten home!"

I don't know what any of this means. I am sleep-deprived. (Did I mention that?)

And, yes, I do have someone driving me today.

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