That said, the past two mornings have been exceedingly strange. Previously, my head literally hurt if I thought of two different things at once. Pain—serious physical pain—invaded my head if I thought of two competing ideas. (How can a lite beer both taste great AND be less filling, etc.). I knew to discard these multi-thoughts right away because my instinct to recoil from pain, dizziness or disorientation was immediate.
However, for the past two days I have experienced no such physical pain or headaches. Going between point A and point B is easy. Thinking of A, B, and C all at once is totally fine; I can skip between them effortlessly, "swifter than light," as I think William Lloyd Garrison wrote once on a prison wall.
So the past two mornings have been like when Harry Potter discovers he has magical powers. My thoughts don't HURT anymore. I can THINK of anything, easily making connections, and the freedom is liberating. With my body safely confined to the couch, I thought these mental exercises were refreshing, but the rewiring in my head did spiral out of control so quickly I almost wish Fibonacci could have been alive to see what it looks like to have his number series take a major blast through my head.
Both yesterday and today I have suffered a kind of mental explosion around 11am or noon. In the most basic way I can explain, this is what has happened:
My head wakes up at 5am and thinks a single thought. Then I pair that with another thought. Then those two thoughts multiply, then those multiply again and again ad infinitum for next few hours until my head explodes. It's a simple case of easing on an accelerator, stepping harder and harder increasingly because there is no resistance (and it feels fun), and then driving off a cliff. How have your mornings been recently? Mine have been real interesting.
Especially for MJ, who comes downstairs wondering why I am suddenly curled up on the couch in a fetal position crying my eyes out. And Noah, who even stops begging for green beans and comes over to lick my feet, the most devoted thing he ever does. I can't imagine it looks very good to them. As for me, I actually feel fine by then. I am back in a safe mode, my thoughts returned to ONE and feeling just a little overwhelmed, my heart pounding.
But it has happened twice now, so I know it is not just a blip in my recovery. As I get used to the the new wiring in my brain, I have spent all my energy looking for new light switches that turn ON. I have not searched yet for any emergency circuit breakers. Every thought begins as a spiral, like my favorite canon from Bach's "Musical Offering" where the voices keep transposing up and up into infinity.
My body has healed. My vital signs are fine. My brain is a new toy out of the box.